What you have to believe to be a Democrat or Republican

by Darian Worden

Inspired by “To be a liberal you have to believe” jokes that I’ve seen floating around in various forms over the years, I have decided to make a list of things you have to believe to be a Democrat or Republican. The first Democrat item on the list is knowingly plagiarized from a liberal beliefs list – I just had to include it because I think it sums up the left leaning statist outlook so well. The rest I am pretty sure I thought up on my own but someone else has probably said something at least similar to most of them. Anyway, enjoy!

To be a DEMOCRAT you have to believe that the HIV virus is spread by a lack of federal funding

To be a REPUBLICAN you have to believe that terrorism and hatred towards America are spread by a lack of US Military occupations

To be a DEMOCRAT you have to believe that anyone who disagrees with you is either a) a right wing fundamentalist who listens to too much talk radio, b) a heartless conservative who wants everyone to make $2 and hour, or c) a stupid redneck who beats his wife and owns too many guns

To be a REPUBLICAN you have to believe that anyone who disagrees with you is either a) a tree-hugging liberal hippie pot smoker who hates America, b) a God-hating liberal weenie who is too overrun with estrogen to understand simple logic such as “A is B when Republicans say it is,” or c) a terrorist

To be a DEMOCRAT you have to believe that the best way to protect the environment is to put it under control of distant bureaucrats who work for the biggest polluter in the nation (that’s the US government, for those of you who haven’t yet figured out how evil it is)

To be a REPUBLICAN you have to believe that the best way to secure liberty is to put every citizen under control of distant bureaucrats and armed thugs with badges

To be a DEMOCRAT you have to believe that the party that runs a presidential candidate who voted for the Iraq war and said he’d do it again, is home to proponents of military draft and compulsory “national service,” and is historically known for putting warmongers like Woodrow Wilson, Franklin Roosevelt, Lyndon Johnson, and Bill Clinton in office, is the best hope for peace because it is not the Republican Party

To be a REPUBLICAN you have to believe that a party that has only increased government power, spending, and deficits while in control of both houses of Congress and the White House is the best hope for economic freedom because George Bush says the words “freedom” and “ownership” a lot

To be a DEMOCRAT you have to believe that the best way to help the poor is to cut off the bottom few rungs of the economic ladder

To be a REPUBLICAN you have to believe that the best way to help the poor is to have the government give more of their money to the rich

To be a DEMOCRAT you have to believe, despite vast volumes of evidence to the contrary, business regulations and welfare codes written by rich people really do benefit the poor

To be a REPUBLICAN you have to believe, despite vast volumes of evidence to the contrary, perpetual warfare can be waged by a limited, non-intrusive government

To be a DEMOCRAT you have to believe that speech codes, harassment lawsuits, brainwashing, and coercion are legitimate ways to bring tolerance and understanding among people

To be a REPUBLICAN you have to believe that vigorously enforcing the multitude of unconstitutional gun control laws on the books is a legitimate method of opposing gun control

To be a DEMOCRAT you have to believe that people who don’t believe fundamental laws of economics should be put in charge of writing all economic policy that the entire country must abide by

To be a REPUBLICAN you have to believe that people who don’t believe fundamental tenets of science should be in charge of writing all science text books that the entire country must use

To be a DEMOCRAT you have to believe that banning cheap guns so poor people can’t protect themselves as easily is “progressive”

To be a REPUBLICAN you have to believe that violating the Constitution so innocent people are not protected by the law is “patriotic”

To be a DEMOCRAT you have to believe that any argument on economics can be won simply by using buzzwords like “outsourcing,” “exploitation,” “capitalists,” “fair trade,” and “corporations”

To be a REPUBLICAN you have to believe that any argument on foreign policy can be won simply by using buzzwords like “homeland,” “terror,” “freedom,” “weapons of mass destruction,” and “Al-Qaeda”

To be a DEMOCRAT you have to believe that war is waged for good intentions when done by a Democratic president

To be a REPUBLICAN you have to believe that welfare-statism is done for economic well-being when it is done by a Republican president

To be a DEMOCRAT you have to believe that the Great Depression ended because Franklin Roosevelt was a courageous leader who dared to spend a lot of other people’s money, and not because of more favorable economic conditions following the Second World War

To be a REPUBLICAN you have to believe that the USSR fell because Ronald Reagan was a courageous leader who dared to spend a lot of other people’s money, and not because communism and empire don’t work